Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Going Out of my Mind

I really just can’t take this anymore. I sincerely believe that we’ve failed this cycle. My cervical position is way down, the way it usually is in my LP…with no signs of anything. I just found out that another of my friends is pregnant (and due in December). I’m just wondering why it’s so easy for some and so difficult for others?! How is it that someone can actually get pregnant naturally? With no help from anyone except her husband. Why do I have to try so hard only to be let down every month? Why can’t I just get pregnant already??!! What the HE** is going on???? What does my body fight me? Why do my embryos suck? Why can’t they implant properly? Why don’t they stick? WHY WHY WHY? Why must I cry myself to sleep? And make my husband feel as if he’s done something wrong…which, of course, he hasn’t. Why can’t my doctors find anything wrong? What must we do? What more tests do we need? What other interventions are there? HOW AM I GOING TO HAVE MY OWN CHILD?!?!?!?!?

I seriously don’t know how to deal with this. On the one hand I want a baby so badly that I would do just about anything. On the other hand I really don’t want to care anymore…I don’t want to try anymore and I sure as he** don’t want to take any more shots or have my blood drawn. I just don’t want to cry anymore…
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