Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Going Out of my Mind

I really just can’t take this anymore. I sincerely believe that we’ve failed this cycle. My cervical position is way down, the way it usually is in my LP…with no signs of anything. I just found out that another of my friends is pregnant (and due in December). I’m just wondering why it’s so easy for some and so difficult for others?! How is it that someone can actually get pregnant naturally? With no help from anyone except her husband. Why do I have to try so hard only to be let down every month? Why can’t I just get pregnant already??!! What the HE** is going on???? What does my body fight me? Why do my embryos suck? Why can’t they implant properly? Why don’t they stick? WHY WHY WHY? Why must I cry myself to sleep? And make my husband feel as if he’s done something wrong…which, of course, he hasn’t. Why can’t my doctors find anything wrong? What must we do? What more tests do we need? What other interventions are there? HOW AM I GOING TO HAVE MY OWN CHILD?!?!?!?!?

I seriously don’t know how to deal with this. On the one hand I want a baby so badly that I would do just about anything. On the other hand I really don’t want to care anymore…I don’t want to try anymore and I sure as he** don’t want to take any more shots or have my blood drawn. I just don’t want to cry anymore…


Jewels said...

I want to come over here and thank you so much for your support.

I just read a little on your blog about you,
Is this your first IVF?
Wow, you must be going out of your mind, this is going to be along wait.
I want to support you the way you have me. ~hugs~
Your in my prayers and my fingers and toes are crossed for you.

Nikki said...

Hey Elana,

I know how desperately you want a child, and I know how frustrating it is to have everyone around get pregnant by just "looking" at their significant others. It's not fair. Hang in there. When is your beta?

nancy said...

It's just hard. It took me 18 cycles for my first and what? 22 cycles for my third? And my middle child was just one crazy one. Throw in 4 surgeries, 4 failed IUIs, a failed IVF and a FET and that's what it took me.

Who knows why some get it easy and some don't. But I can tell you this, when you get pregnant and you get the child you were destined to have, you'll almost be okay with it. I know if I would have gotten pregnant earlier with my first, I wouldn't of had my Ella.

It's hard to wrap around your brain right now. Plus, being in the wait for your first IVF (which was the worst!). So take your figers out of your vagina and just see what happens.

Elana Kahn said...

Thank you so much ladies!!

Jewels--Yes, this is my first IVF and I am slowly (or quickly) losing what's left of my mind. ;-)

Nikki--Beta is scheduled for Aug 13.

Nancy--Your comment actually made me laugh, and I can't tell you how much I needed it! The only problem is I can't keep my fingers outa there because I use progesterone suppositories and they gotta go WAAAAAY up there!