Apparently, I haven't updated my blog in so long that it is actually ridiculous. After realizing we couldn't afford private school in Boston, we decided to move to Florida and have since made our way down south. Luckily, both my husband and I were able to find new jobs, and the money we made selling the house in Boston made it possible to pay off my student loans and make it easier to pay for private school. It's not perfect, but I really do love it here. At least I don't have to worry about snow any more!
In my new job, I'm the ART (Assisted Reproductive Technologies) Nurse Manager. Fancy title that means I manage the amazing group of nurses who take care of patients just before and during their IVF cycles. I absolutely love what I do, and today was my 6 week evaluation, where my manager (the COO of the company) took me aside to tell me how I was doing. The evaluation was a good one, but the main purpose of this post was to express the one part of the evaluation that touched me the most...
As someone with Asperger's who was bullied for most of her life (3rd grade through high school and then some), it has never really been easy for me to make friends. During school I maybe had one or two people at a time that I could call good friends. In high school I kind of was friends with a group of people, but I never actually felt as though I were a part of their clique. I didn't fit in anywhere. Over the years, I've come up with ways to get around the fact that social cues can be difficult for me - mainly that I cannot be a part of a conversation with more than one person at a time or I won't know when I can talk, and I find myself interrupting people when I don't mean to. The filter on my brain has gotten a lot better than it was as a kid, luckily, though there are always times when I slip and wish I hadn't said something. Coming into a managerial job, I was terrified that I would have no idea how to manage other people. Would they like me? Would they follow my direction? I'm under 5 feet tall, not very intimidating, and remember...I don't know how to make friends. Or at least I didn't know how up until my job at CCRM. Somehow I was friends with everyone. I don't know if it was because I knew what I was doing or just the fact that I loved what I did and was happy much of the time. But I was liked by everyone, and that was something very new to me. But there, I was "just" one of the nurses. It would be different as a manager...
Fast forward to my evaluation. She scored me highest on my relationships with other people (not that my other scores were "low," but this was superior rather than average or something like that). She said that everyone liked me...loved me. That even the people who are hard to impress and have strong personalities are so happy that I'm there. That I've made an amazing impression on everyone. I think she even made a comment about my good communication skills - that one was a shocker, as I think communication skills are something I have to work doubly hard at. Even one of the doctors today told me she told a patient that I was "brilliant." I can't even tell you how much that meant to me. How it soothed the little bullied kid inside of me who remembers being tormented on the school bus and in class. How hard I've worked to "fix" whatever shortcomings I could find in order to fit in and make friends. If you wonder why I go around being so happy all of the time (in public), why I try to give everyone the benefit of the doubt, why I tend to let things "roll off my back," it's because of that. Yeah, I get upset. I get REALLY upset, but I try not to let that show until I'm in the privacy of my bedroom or car and can cry and scream to the walls.
I work with some of the world's most amazing women on my nursing team, and I feel extremely blessed to be their manager.
Monday, March 25, 2019
Before I even thought about having kids, I knew I was going to send them to a private Jewish day school. Knowing the area in which I live, it was really the only plausible option. There are very few (if any) religious Jewish kids in the public school system because there are a ton of Jewish day schools around, and that's where all of the kids go. I knew it would be expensive, but I felt so strongly about it that I knew I would just have to grin and bear it as best I could. So I did. We got scholarships (as nearly all families do), and it was manageable...somewhat. But as the years went on, the bills grew even as my salary did. Going to school meant I wasn't working for several years, and now we have to make that money up somehow - plus pay back the student loans. We were getting help from family, but circumstances (death, retirement, etc) has now rendered that impossible. And so now I face taking my kids away from their friends and away from an excellent school solely because I can't keep pulling money out of my home equity line of credit to pay for their school. While I am sure Boston Public Schools are a fine place to get an education, I don't know how I'm going to be able to give them a good Jewish education on top of it. Meanwhile, they're going to lose probably all of their Jewish friends because they so rarely go on play dates and don't go to synagogue that often either. I'm seriously distraught over this and don't know what to do. I have cried so many days over this, and I can't bring myself to make a decision one way or the other. Kill myself financially and allow my kids to have the education I want them to have (that they deserve) and to keep the friends they have tried so hard to make or put them in public school so I can pay back my loans and eventually we'll have money to live on and not keep taking money out of my house to pay the bills. I've prayed on it, but the L-rd isn't giving me any ideas. What do I do now?