Thursday, July 30, 2009

Baby Shower

Baby showers are like going to hell and back again for an infertile, but when I got pregnant it was something I was *really* looking forward to. I was going to be the honoree and we'd be celebrating MY babies. It would've been a dream-come-true! One that, unfortunately, never happened.

Now, I understand that having one in my hometown would have been impossible, and I am NOT upset that I didn't have one there. One of my cousins wanted to make me one, but it was a logistical impossibility. And that's ok. But I am upset that none of my friends in my community here thought to make me one. I adore my friends and they have done so much for my family--from making us food for over 6 months to taking me to and from doctor appointments to visiting me to helping us clean for Pesach, etc. I honestly don't know what we would do without them. But, no one thought to make me a baby shower. My former co-workers also said they were going to make me one and never did. And honestly, I don't think they ever really intended to make one.

It's really not about the presents for me (although they're always welcome) :-), it's about celebrating the babies and what miracles they are. Orthodox Jewish people don't have baby showers before babies are born, but I know that people have them afterwards. I realize that the economy is making money tight, so I wouldn't have even been disappointed if there were no presents or just a diaper cake or something. And I realize that there are a ton of babies born in our community every year and not many people have showers (I know they exist because I was actually planning to go to one while pregnant but then went on bed rest), but most people are already on their 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th, etc. kid! These were my first (two) and after two long and hard years of infertility, which most everyone in my community knew about. And I definitely don't expect baby showers for any future kids, so now it's something I've totally missed out on, and it just makes me so sad. :-(


FET Accompli said...

Hi Elana,

I understand how it would have been thoughtful if someone would have made you a baby shower. You had such a journey to go through in order to have your miracle twins, and it would have been meaningful if you could celebrate with the women in your life.

Maybe your friends just didn't realize, or somehow the idea got lost in the shuffle. Would it be possible to ask them? They might be happy to make one if they knew how much it means to you.

I never really thought I'd have a baby shower. Like you, I wouldn't have one before the babies are born (I am of the tribe as well), and then after it would just seem like there would be a bris or baby naming, and then, g-d willing, a first birthday, and many more occasions for celebrating. I never actually realized that showers are done after babies are born - I haven't seen this before. My four sisters-in-law and best friend are all popping out babies and none had showers, except one who had it before the baby was born (she is not religious and her friends who hosted it are not Jewish).

So I wonder if maybe your colleagues sort of thought that, if you didn't have one before, that you would just have different types of celebrations after?

A Few Good Sperm said...

I know how you feel, but I'm already assuming I won't have a baby shower.

I don't have many friends and I really doubt anyone will offer to throw me one. I'm not giving myself a pity party, I'm just being realistic.

Frankly, I don't like to be the center of attention (I didn't have a formal wedding either) so I don't mind. Although, who doesn't like presents!

JamieD said...

You are so right - for a former infertile, a baby shower represents more than gifts. It is a milestone!

I am so sorry your friends didn't think to host a baby shower for you. Like FET Accompli said, I am sure they felt there would be many more celebrations of your babies to come.